Coming To Grips With The Stark Reality

At first I didn’t really want to write about losing my son Michael because that would make it real and I didn’t want it to be real. At first I felt like I could pick up my phone and text him and he would answer. At first it is just so darn hard to believe he was gone. I mean especially when I carried him in my womb for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him, taught him, watched him get his license, his first girlfriend, his first job, become a father and prayed for him every night for 26 years. All of the sudden, I didn’t need to pray for him anymore. He’s already in heaven, has no worries from this world, so he doesn’t need my prayers anymore. I just kind of lay there on my bed, stunned. Not knowing how I would get through it. Asking God to help me through it. I feel like all I did was cry for the entire first year, but actually I really did try to do some good things for others. I prayed a lot, asking God to bring good things out of this tragedy somehow. I know He has and He will.

I got to watch my granddaughter a few days after Mike’s death. Holding her was extremely satisfying to me. After all she is a part of him. But hearing her say “DaDa” hurt so bad. I got different reactions from people as I ventured out again, after Mike’s death. Some people seem to shy away from me, as if death may be contagious or something. I guess they are just scared away by the pain of it all. It was hard to hear people laughing and having fun at first. I just wanted to yell, “Hey, Don’t you know my son died?!” “How can you just act as if everything is the same?” Life moved on and I didn’t want it to. I wanted to yell, “Stop the world, and let me off!”

I am so grateful for my pictures of Mike and for the cards he gave me through the years, that I kept. I love looking at them and reading them. I am so grateful for his artwork that I kept. I even have his baby blanket! Even though these are just things, they are a memory of him and it helps me to have them. The thing that helps me the most though, is knowing that Mike is happy, whole, loved and in heaven with no pain or sadness. Thank you God for this gift.